I haven’t been here in a while…

…but something motivated me to come back today.  New MNML snippets have been running around in my head a lot, lately. I still haven’t written more than 2/3 of the next chapter, though.

Right after my last post, a rather toxic person got involved with Ess.  She really messed up everyone I. The polycule and, I think, possibly herself as well.  The problem is: I want to think it wasn’t intentional and I want to think the best of her possible, but there was malice.  And there were so many lies (of hers) to untangle in the end that it is impossible to say with any certainty where she actually stood on anything.

Well, that whole mess could get pages on it, but that’s not necessary.  Suffice to say that her impact on Jae, Ess, and myself was far more than I had the emotional bandwith to handle while still coping with the aftermath of the rape and being arrested for my activism.  Everything else shut down for a while as I tried to take care of my family and then, after she was gone, myself.

Therapy has been helping.  With all of it, though the focus has been on the rape and coming to terms there.  Still: most of my PTSD symptoms have faded.  No more flashbacks or nightmares.  I don’t find it randomly invading my thoughts 24/7 and I’ve stopped feeling guilty about being a victim.  I have started being more cautious about people in ways it never occurred to me to be, before.  I’m a lot less trusting, I think, even though my instincts remain to accept people at their word.  I dislike that — more because it has proven a necessary adaptation than because it is one I have made.  At heart I was always an optimist and an idealist.  I think I still am, except I’m not so optimistic about the ability — or willingness to exercise it — of people to be good to one another.

I blame POTUS 45 and the Republican house and senate more than I do my rapist or Ess’ disastrous partner, though, I think.  That and the systematic and ongoing awfulness of how my city treats its most vulnerable citizens — be it the police targeting people of color or harassing transgender folks, or the mayor closing homeless shelters and letting people die in the cold.

I don’t know.  In the end, I think I may be more stable than before I needed to go into therapy to begin with.  I certainly have more tools and coping mechanisms at my disposal now than I gained from either of my previous therapists.  (This therapist had a background in social work, and I think that made a difference in her ability and focus on more down to earth care.  The sessions have been a lot less …academic, than with others I’ve had.)

That puts me at a point where I’m finally wanting to get away from the escapism and self protection that has had me cocooned for so long.  I want to write again; engage with people again.  I’m sort of fumbling toward that.  My emotional spoon count is still small: I run out of that energy fast.  But it is there.

The hardest part right now is trying to rebuild the habits that I’d had — or at least had started! — before.  The thought of the act of putting pen to paper and weaving fiction is a little bit alien, now — and I always struggled with getting up the energy and motivation to just start already even before the rape, arrest, and all the other turmoil that has been going on.

I want to write again.  It vexes me that I’m not where I was; that I have to rebuild something that feels like is supposed to be an integral part of my identity and being.

That’s where I’m at, though.  Trying each day to get up the drive to just do the thing but falling what feels like just a bit short each time.  In the past however long it has been, there have been only two days where I managed to put words of MNML on paper.  Not even enough for a chapter.  But I didn’t rip them up or delete them or feel they were a sham of what I’d been capable of writing before, so… Progress?

Anyway, I guess that’s all I have to say.  I’m glad I did this much, at least.  Even if it doesn’t stick it feels like posting anything to any of my sites has to be a step in the right direction from where I’ve been.

As always, I hope everyone else is well.  Keep safe; be happy and well.  Thank you for sticking this out with me.



2 responses to I haven’t been here in a while…

  1. fionag11

    It’s good to hear from you 🙂

    • Lightdefender

      Ditto. Glad you’re able to think about writing again, and we’ll look forward to whatever you’re able to put out, whenever that might be.

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