June 20, 2017 (T)

I’m pretty tired, but that seems to be an every day low price.  I’m pretty sure that the medication my endocrinologist halved (the one used to regulate the tumor) needs to go back to it’s prior dosage.  I need to see about getting that transfered to a different doctor, and up to it’s prior level.  I strongly suspect that will help.

Of course, there’s a lot of other stuff going on that has been adding to the strain.  Jae broke up with Arr, which has been stressful for everyone in our group.  He should be moving out at the end of next week; maybe sooner if he opts to move in temporarily with a friend.

On top of that, we’re reaching the end of our lease, and this time Ess, Jae and I have opted to request a transfer of apartments.  The new one will be on the first floor, of another building in the same complex.  Same rent and all, but Jae and I both have problems with stairs sometimes — she because of her knee, and me because of the weakness/exhaustion that comes from my tumor and, sometimes, the medications that treat it.

So, being on the first floor will be convenient.  Hopefully it will be cooler, too: right now our apartment bakes in the summer months, mostly (as far as we’ve been able to figure out after having multiple people look at it) because the sun heats up the roof to a point that the A/C can’t keep up with the heat transfer.

The apartment will be the same size as the current one, but Arr moving out will free up an entire room.  It’s probably going to become a communal craft/study/computer room, but that’ll make things much less cramped elsewhere.  (We have desks in every room of the apartment, currently.  Mine is in the kitchen.)  I think I’m more excited about that than anything else related to the move.  But mostly I’m tired, and worried that I’m not pulling (or won’t be able to pull) my weight with the packing.

Tempers have gotten short and flared (unexpectedly, that didn’t involve Arr.  It was  a combination of the emotional stress, physical stress, and heat).  We bounced back from that quickly, though.

I want to write, but I keep getting overwhelmed by the prospect of getting into Abby’s headspace.  It’s emotionally taxing, and getting up the oomph to put myself through that — even knowing that I love to do it, and that I will be happy with the product — takes energy that I haven’t had for the last week or so.  It’s work, and I have something like three jobs now.  The cubicle work, writing (which I’m not being very productive with at the moment) and some independent programing (which I’m also being less productive with at the moment — but moreso than I am with the writing because programing doesn’t have the emotional cost associated with it).

I’m not sure what my motivation in writing this is.  I guess I just wanted to let people know that I’m still around; still trying to get myself back on track.  I think my writing really derailed in regularity about when the tumor became a factor in my life.  I’ve had a couple bouts of pretty bad depression since then, one fairly recent.  Things feel like more of a struggle, but really it’s that I don’t have the energy to meet my previous standards.  That’s hard to accept and adapt to.  I’m reverting to a pattern of ups and downs because when I’m up, I push too hard and crash.

Right now I’m on an upswing again.  It’s a shallower curve than normal, because (I think) of the reduced medication and thus reduced stamina.  And what energy I do have is mostly going into preparing to move and providing support for Ess and Jae.

I’ve been telling myself I need to write more, but I think something will have to change first.  Either I get some energy back by getting my medication fixed, or we finish packing for the move.  Or maybe even if Arr moves out, there’ll be less emotional strain around and I’ll have more of the capacity to get into Abby-Space.  And that’s not going to happen any time super soon.

Arr is planning on moving out next Friday.  He’s trying to get his job transfered, so if that works out then he should be leaving then.  If it’s delayed, he may have to stay longer — or possibly move in with his friend.  He might move in with his friend sooner, too, if he finds out for certain the transfer is going to be delayed.

The apartment move should be in mid-August.  So there’s some time before that becomes a thing, during which we’ll be doing a lot of packing.  From past experience, it feels like there’s always something left to be boxed up until everything is actually out of the old place.  So that’ll be a way out, too.

My medications…  I’m not sure how long that will be.  I need to get together the fortitude to contact my doctors about them.  I despise talking to this endocrinologist.  I have not interacted with her office once without being deadnamed.  She refered to me as ‘an interesting case study’ because of the way the tumor interacts with my transition medications (basically, eliminating my need for testosterone blockers/inhibitors — in fact, if the tumor isn’t treated properly my body makes so little testosterone it is unhealthy in a woman.  And I physically collapse after mild labor like climbing a flight of stairs.)

It’s amazing that this endocrinologist knew of a medication that I could use without the even worse exhaustion side-effect the standard treatment for this condition gave me, but I have absolutely no confidence that she cares about my well being.  The last time I talked to her, she brought in a blood report, told me everything looked fine — and I had to remind her that the report she was looking at was six months old, because I hadn’t been in for that long.  then she signed me up to have my blood taken, and cut my doseage in half so that the next time I came in she could evaluate if I even needed as much as I was on.

I really hope I can transfer the prescription to my actual clinic, and convince them to go back to the old dosage.  Which ever office I deal with, though, I need the oomph to do it, first.

Anyway, I can tell I’m going in circles now.  So I guess I’m going to call it and end things here.

Take care.  Be safe, happy and well, everyone.

–Eren Reverie

Today, in the life of Eren...

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