I feel better…

…than I have in what seems like months.

Last week I finally managed to decafinate.  And by ‘finally manage’ I mean that when the ice storms hit and the weather got drunk, I had migraines so bad that I didn’t remember to drink tea or ask Arr to get any other caffinated beverages — and I was too busy being in pain to think about it, anyway.

At some point weather-related migraines and caffiene-withdrawl migraines probably doubled up, but you know what:  The Worst Head Pain Ever times The Head Worst Pain Ever still just equals The Worst Head Pain Ever, so I didn’t notice.

I’ve had mild weather related headaches since then, and that’s likely to continue.  (Seriously, the weather here is drunk.  It can’t decide if it is winter or spring.)  But in the lulls where my head doesn’t hurt, I feel practically normal.

That has been a long time in coming.  Yesterday, durring a mild headache, I happily did the outlines for the next three chapters of MNML and some brainstorming for the fourth (A Jamie side chapter, perhaps?).  I couldn’t bring myself to actually start writing because, well, my head hurt and I find it difficult to make myself go that deep into being creative when I’m in pain.  But I have high hopes for today.

I read an article recently that posited that motivation happens when you have both a goal and a plan that your subconcious accepts as capable of success.  I think there might be something to that idea, because I’ve recently scrapped my usual plan of ‘make yourself write every day’ — I know that eventually I will derail on that and then I’ll go into a funk because I ‘failed,’ even though there are plenty of reasons (I have a freaking energy-sapping tumor, for God’s sake!  Plus, you know: Trump needs to be protested, my family needs to be supported, there is all kinds of suffering in the world that needs to be dealt with and pretty much all of it is more immediate or more vital than my getting some writing time in — and leaves me too drained to do any writing, after) to slip up for a day.

Instead, I’m focusing on a plan that I can genuinely believe is workable, without that constant low level nag of ‘this has always come apart, eventually, in the past.’  And that ‘plan’ is to focus more on what I’m capable of in the moment.  If my head hurts or I’m tired or I’m too worn out to get into my writing headspace, I’m going to try to outline the next few chapters so that when I do get to them, they are easier to write.

I don’t think I’ll outline more than a few chapters ahead other than very broad ‘this is where the story is going’ notes, though, because my characters have a tendancy to hijack things in the moment. >.>

Anyway, I wanted to share that bit of good personal news, because I know that a lot of what I’ve had to express lately has been negative, and I know that there’s a lot out there these days that’s frustrating as hell.  (I’m debating if I should avoid FB and the news until specific times of the day, to keep from spiralling down on how fucked up The United States’ political scene has become.  I think that’s a good idea, because while being informed is important and standing up to injustice is critical there’s a lot of time when I literally cannot do anything about what I might be reading — like when I’m at work — except feel bad/frustrated/angry/depressed, and that’s not exactly helpful either.

I guess that’s all for the moment.  Although I do feel ‘normal,’ I still have really low energy reserves.  I’m not getting physically depleted just by walking up a flight of stairs anymore (which I’m taking to mean that I need to get on the ball and start building my stamina back up, since it has suffered significantly from my time being sedentary due to illness and medication side effects) but I do tire quickly when I’m active.  Like: I’m starting to get that ‘I need sleep’ headache, even though I’m not sleepy and I’m not exhausted.

I’ve been doing a lot of meditation at times like that — which I personally think is an improvement over having to do a lot of napping — in order to get back into top form.

If you’re familiar with spoon theory, then I guess it feels sort of like when I’m in top shape I have a full drawer of spoons to spend — but instead of spending one per thing I do, I’m spending one and setting aside four, so the drawer empties out super damn fast… even though 4/5ths of the spoons aren’t actually spent, they’re just sort of sitting there waiting for me to take a rest and put them back in the drawer.

Right.  So, that’s all for reals now.  I hope this finds you all happy and healthy.  Be well.

–Eren Reverie


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