…since I’ve posted an update, and I’m not even sure whether or not that’s accurate. I’ll have to check the date of the last post: everything has been bluring together lately.
I feel like I’ve been complaining about life a lot of late, which makes me reluctant to write about it. I don’t want to be that person, who’s always gloom-and-doom and spoiling everyone’s good days. But, the fact of the matter is that all the stressors I’ve been dealing with haven’t really been abating. In fact, over the Christmas season Jae, Arr and I have each gotten sick at least once. It’s been stressful and that stress keeps piling up so that we’re no longer getting rest so much as we’re trying to get recovery.
There has been some fun going on. As a group we finally beat “Pandemic: The Cure” (a fun, reasonably quick co-op board game) and I destroyed everyone at Carcassonne. (What? I have a surprisingly vicious competitive streak.) I’m looking forward to managing a trip out shopping, at some point: hopefully to get a winter jacket and some more work clothes. Which, let’s be honest: I have so few female outfits that work clothes are pretty exciting for me when I get them, heh.
I’m also scheduled to start seeing a therapist again tomorrow. And it’s probably well past time. As near as I’ve been able to process things, while I was with my last one she was mostly concerned with diagnosing my gender dysphoria and getting me on medication for the anxiety and helping me get started on transitioning. Which is all well and good, except that I never really learned any healthy ways of coping with stress (since prior to the anxiety medications and promises not to hurt myself, my principle relief from stress was various forms of self harm).
So, hopefully that process will help. We’re also looking at getting another bed, to help improve sleeping conditions (right now we have too many people in too small an apartment. It’ll still be too small an apartment, but at least there’ll be more options for palces to sleep if one room or another is occupied by someone who needs the lights on or is watching TV or something). And my most recent medication seems to have helped significantly with my feeling tired all the time. I still get tired super easily, and I’ve found I take at least two naps a day — but I’ve adjusted my work schedule to make sure I have time for those.
I’m still having a lot of trouble with motivation, at home and at work, largely because I feel like I’m constantly in “recovery” mode because I never seem to deal with enough stressors to actually get to “resting” time. There is a distinct difference between recovery and rest, and one does not replace the other.
Writing has been dificult. Both because of lacking the necessary emotional energy to get into that mindspace, and because being tired has a significant negative impact on my self confidence. Furthermore, without the momentum of ongoing regular updates behind me I start questioning whether or not the last chapter was any good, and not just if what I’m currently writing — or planning to write — qualifies as better than crap. It’s not at all rational, based on the feedback I’ve gotten, but it’s a self-doubt I have to deal with none the less. Or perhaps all the more.
I’ve employed a lawyer to manage my name change and filled out the necessary court documents, so that’s something. I’m supposed to meet with her on Wednesday for more of an update on that, so maybe I’ll have good news to share then. It should be pretty exciting, but with as tired as I constantly am I haven’t actually been enthusiastic about it. Rather, I’ve been almost fatalistic: with the current political climate, it feels like I’m in a ‘now or never’ situation for getting my identity documents updated, and I’m not even sure the courts will allow my corrections now. But then, I also don’t know that I have the energy to really get my hopes up, so maybe it won’t be as crushing if they are dashed? That’s a truly twisted sort of silver lining, and I doubt it would work that way in actuality. Hopefully everything goes through and I never find out. But I do wish I could feel more excited about the process and positive about my chances, in the now.
Anyway, I guess that’s it. I’m going to wrap up here, since otherwise who knows how long I’d ramble.
As always, I hope all of you keep safe, happy and well. Thanks for reading.