I don’t know how else to describe it. Misogony, racism, rape culture, anti-intellectualism, hate, fear, and selfishness carried the American election last night. I am terrified of what the future might hold. Even for those who despise both major party candidates… what about the supreme court? Republican obstructionists successfully prevented President Obama from appointing a judge. Who wants to bet that they’ll keep that up for the next four years, with a “republican” in office?
Who here thinks that Transgender rights stand a chance in hell of winning out in the court we’re going to end up with?
But as much as that terrifies me, and as much as I am horrified by all of the other things that the president elect has campaigned on and the damage that a conservative court can do to the hard won rights of recent history, what had me in tears last night was the economy.
I work a full time job. The only reason I don’t work an “official” second one is that the corporation I work for frowns upon such ‘split loyalties.’ MNML and my writing is the most viable option I have, there. I have advanced in my company as far as I can without changing from a technical track and moving into management — or going back for even more education, which I cannot afford without going into crippling debt. And despite the fact that I am at the top of the non-managerial technical track, I am living paycheck to paycheck and barely managing my responcibilities to my family.
I looked for expenses I could cut, recently. I canceled the kindle unlimited subscription I got to distract myself when I was diagnosed with my tumor. And that was all I had. More often than not I’m eating 25 cent instant soup for lunch. For caffeine I’ve been relying on the cheapest tea I can buy and trying to develop the taste for taking it unsweetened. I hold a position of modest importance within my office — and I think it’s been over five years since I’ve had anything resembling real savings.
Watching the market futures plummet last night, I excused myself to the bathroom and cried. If our economy goes into recession again, I don’t know how I’ll be able to support my family. I don’t know how I’ll be able to cover my healthcare! And I’m not talking about transitioning, which is neessary to my mental health, but which I know a stupid amount of people conscider ‘volountary.’ I’m talking about medical treatment for the tumor.
So, I’m in shock. I don’t know what my future will hold, but it looks a lot darker than it has since any point since I started taking medication for anxiety and depression. To the point that I don’t really think this is depression talking. And that… that legitimacy terrifies me.
I really, really want to just give up now.