I am in shock…

I don’t know how else to describe it.  Misogony, racism, rape culture, anti-intellectualism, hate, fear, and selfishness carried the American election last night.  I am terrified of what the future might hold.  Even for those who despise both major party candidates… what about the supreme court?  Republican obstructionists successfully prevented President Obama from appointing a judge.  Who wants to bet that they’ll keep that up for the next four years, with a “republican” in office?

Who here thinks that Transgender rights stand a chance in hell of winning out in the court we’re going to end up with?

But as much as that terrifies me, and as much as I am horrified by all of the other things that the president elect has campaigned on and the damage that a conservative court can do to the hard won rights of recent history, what had me in tears last night was the economy.

I work a full time job.  The only reason I don’t work an “official” second one is that the corporation I work for frowns upon such ‘split loyalties.’  MNML and my writing is the most viable option I have, there.  I have advanced in my company as far as I can without changing from a technical track and moving into management — or going back for even more education, which I cannot afford without going into crippling debt.  And despite the fact that I am at the top of the non-managerial technical track, I am living paycheck to paycheck and barely managing my responcibilities to my family.

I looked for expenses I could cut, recently.  I canceled the kindle unlimited subscription I got to distract myself when I was diagnosed with my tumor.  And that was all I had.  More often than not I’m eating 25 cent instant soup for lunch.  For caffeine I’ve been relying on the cheapest tea I can buy and trying to develop the taste for taking it unsweetened.  I hold a position of modest importance within my office — and I think it’s been over five years since I’ve had anything resembling real savings.

Watching the market futures plummet last night, I excused myself to the bathroom and cried.  If our economy goes into recession again, I don’t know how I’ll be able to support my family.  I don’t know how I’ll be able to cover my healthcare!  And I’m not talking about transitioning, which is neessary to my mental health, but which I know a stupid amount of people conscider ‘volountary.’  I’m talking about medical treatment for the tumor.

So, I’m in shock.  I don’t know what my future will hold, but it looks a lot darker than it has since any point since I started taking medication for anxiety and depression.  To the point that I don’t really think this is depression talking.  And that… that legitimacy terrifies me.

I really, really want to just give up now.


2 responses to I am in shock…

  1. Stormblessed

    I’m kinda just moving around the internet to see other people with the same reaction as myself.

    I am in a similar boat emotionally. I happen to be a Jewish (albeit on the Atheist side), white heterosexual male. I’m in computer science and have good career prospects.

    But I’m devastated by this outcome completely.

    It turns out I underestimated how much I care about social issues.

    God I just kinda gave up today. I just couldn’t handle anything.

    I just don’t know. I’m so sad and angry and terrified.

    GAH! gah gah gha.

    I’m so sad too.

    I’m just rambling because it feels kinda good.

    I guess my level of sorrow makes me a SJW or some sort of bullshit label like that.

    WE WERE DOING SO WELL AT MOVING FORWARD! Things weren’t perfect, but they were a hell of a lot better than even ten, twenty years ago. We had a ways to go, but the trend was objectively forward.

    I don’t want us to move backwards. I don’t want us to reject global warming. I want all of us to be safe and happy.

    In a sense, I think I shouldn’t feel this stronger. My demographic is one of those that will potentially be hurt the least. But it turns out I do care. I care a FUCKING HUGE AMOUNT. Why? BECAUSE IM A GODDAMMED HUMAN BEING AND I CARE ABOUT ALL OF MY FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS DAMMIT!

    But you know what Republicans and Trumpeters? You win! Yes you do. You control 32/33 states completely. You control the federal executive judicial and legislative branch. You won. You won it all. You have the country. Now fucking prove you can do something good with it. I doubt it, but that faint scarse, imperceptible hope is all there is left.

    At least I live in California.

    I’m just so distraught right now.

    • Eren Reverie

      I’m in Missouri. :/ White, but transgender and passing as female, albewit without the legally changed namw and gender markers on my ID — and with a “conaservative” supreme court inbound, I suspect I won’t be able to change that. I can’t afford to right now, and I doubt I’ll be allowed to later.

      Sickeningly, I think I’m going to have to go back to wondering when the law is going to come down that will force me to choose between bei g outed and risking assault in the men’s room, risking fines greater than my annual income and jail time in the women’s room, or going without drinking for the 10+ hours a day that I’m at work or otherwise in public. Yay, dehydration and other such additional health risks!

      I spent yesterday at the Transgender Memorial Garden in Saint Louis. It was good to be around people who’ve been similarly poleaxed — and who have come from a longer history of fighting for their rights then I’ve had, through darker times than I’ve faced. I guess now it’s my generation’s first major test of convictions.

      My advice, if you’d like it, is to find more people you can turn to for emotional support, who are similarly affected. Mourn, but try not to despair. Maybe watch Samantha Bee’s post election show. Be vocal in the face of Trumpian BS, and prepare for the next election.

      I already grieve for the supreme court. I am bitter that republican obstructionism denied Obama his ability to make an appointment — that they’ve stolen the highest level of our judicial system. But I will campaign against harmful legislation, for more sensible candidates, and I will be at the polls to back my words up. And I think that’s what we have to do now.

      *hugs, freely offered if desired.*

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