Medication woes

The medication I’m taking for my tumor makes me tired, pretty much all the time.  I started taking g caffeine again to offset that at work, but it’s something of a stopgap measure.  Eventually, I’ll just adapt to it and it won’t be helpful.

Yesterday I found myself thinking “I can’t work like this.  I need to tell my doctor this is untenable.”  But immediately after I thought: “Woah!  Seriously?!  What’s more important, being fully alert at work or not letting your brain tumor grow?

Blegh.  The problem is, this doesn’t just affect my cubicle job.  I’m less active at home, and I haven’t been writing.  It’s like being tired has taken my whole ability to judge what I should be doing… or rather, to step up and do things other than go with the flow around me, and suppressed it.

Last night, I got my blood work results back.  I will be on this med for the rest of my life, so I’m going to have to learn methods of coping with the side effects.  Moreover, my dosage has been doubled.

My wife is worried that I won’t be able to keep working.  My mother in law has asked if we’ve looked at getting me on disability.  We can’t afford for me to not work, so even if that’s a possibility it isn’t really an option.  Even if it weren’t for rent and bills, I really need my job’s insurance now.

I’m doing my best to hold on to my optimism and confidence.  It’s hard when I find myself lacking the motivation necessary to work out how things are going to be okay.  But they’ve always worked out in the past.  So I guess that right now I don’t really have confidence so much as I have faith that the future will get better.

I’m not sure what’s going to happen with MNML.  I do doubt that I’ll ever get back to a three per week update schedule, unless something changes with my meds.  I’m a little disheartened that, honestly, MNML is the least of my worries right now.  Writing is my calling, but if I have only limited energy to spend it is going to be on those things that are necessary for physical survival before those things necessary to my emotional well being.  :/  It sucks, but that’s just the way it is.

Anyway, that’s where I’m at right now.  As always, thanks for listening.



2 responses to Medication woes

  1. SpongeeJumper

    *Imaginary Hugs*

    Yeah, the will to do things is not an energy neutral proposition. I’ve had a hard time explaining to the people in my life what it’s like to be tired all the time. “Imagine,” I say “that you’ve had a long day, it’s bed time, and you haven’t eaten since breakfast. You’re dead on your feet. Now imagine that you’re that tired all day, nearly every day, regardless of your hunger or sleepyness (which is not the same thing).”
    They inevitably fail to imagine it accurately. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel in my own struggle with crippling tiredness, but I can remember a time when I thought I would live with it for the rest of my life. My heart goes out to you.

    My unsolicited-health-advice gland is tingling something fierce, and I’m ignoring it as best I can, but I will say this much: Emotional wellbeing is absolutely necessary for physical survival. It… bah, it just is.

    Thank you, for writing such a delightful story when you can, and for being so open and honest when you can’t. It means a lot.

  2. fionag11

    This is a terrible thing, to happen to such a wonderful, talented person 🙁 All l can say is I’ll be hoping with you that some kind of solution will emerge….

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