The medication I’m taking for my tumor makes me tired, pretty much all the time. I started taking g caffeine again to offset that at work, but it’s something of a stopgap measure. Eventually, I’ll just adapt to it and it won’t be helpful.
Yesterday I found myself thinking “I can’t work like this. I need to tell my doctor this is untenable.” But immediately after I thought: “Woah! Seriously?! What’s more important, being fully alert at work or not letting your brain tumor grow?”
Blegh. The problem is, this doesn’t just affect my cubicle job. I’m less active at home, and I haven’t been writing. It’s like being tired has taken my whole ability to judge what I should be doing… or rather, to step up and do things other than go with the flow around me, and suppressed it.
Last night, I got my blood work results back. I will be on this med for the rest of my life, so I’m going to have to learn methods of coping with the side effects. Moreover, my dosage has been doubled.
My wife is worried that I won’t be able to keep working. My mother in law has asked if we’ve looked at getting me on disability. We can’t afford for me to not work, so even if that’s a possibility it isn’t really an option. Even if it weren’t for rent and bills, I really need my job’s insurance now.
I’m doing my best to hold on to my optimism and confidence. It’s hard when I find myself lacking the motivation necessary to work out how things are going to be okay. But they’ve always worked out in the past. So I guess that right now I don’t really have confidence so much as I have faith that the future will get better.
I’m not sure what’s going to happen with MNML. I do doubt that I’ll ever get back to a three per week update schedule, unless something changes with my meds. I’m a little disheartened that, honestly, MNML is the least of my worries right now. Writing is my calling, but if I have only limited energy to spend it is going to be on those things that are necessary for physical survival before those things necessary to my emotional well being. :/ It sucks, but that’s just the way it is.
Anyway, that’s where I’m at right now. As always, thanks for listening.