…after another trip to Indiana, to see Jae’s grandma before the cremation and see what we could do for Jae’s dad.
The weekend was stressful: Jae’s family are not a good source of emotional support (quite the opposite, actually) and… Yeah. There wasn’t much good going on this weekend.
I feel sort of like I’ve had a mortality check: between spending a week worrying about having a brain tumor, having it confirmed, worrying about Jae’s grandma and now grieving… I feel the urge to reevaluate what my life is amounting to, and what it will have been worth when I’m gone. (Seriously: I just spent my birthday crying with my wife while we sat beside the remains of her grandma in a funeral home. I have death on the brain, and that’s not even a pun about my brain tumor.)
I’ve found that in the past couple weeks I’ve become a lot more pissed off about matters of social injustice, particularly in regards to those perpetuated by institutionalized bigotry. I want to be more active in doing positive things for the community around me. I want to write more. My day job feels even more trivial and meaningless since it doesn’t pertain to my passions — but ironically, I am tied to it even more than I was because now I need the medical insurance, in addition to Jae needing it.
I’ve had a headache every day since starting the medication for my tumor, which is starting to worry me and has hindered my ability to get things done. I feel like I’ve neglected so many aspects of my life while all of this was going on. It almost feels like I’m starting from scratch, or maybe just from the ruins of all my old habits.
I need to write regularly again. To catch up on house chores and maintain them properly. To spend time with my friends, some of whom I haven’t seen in nearly a month now. There is so much that I need to catch up on, or fix, or make time for. It feels… Frustrating. Futile. A little depressing. And there’s a healthy dose of ‘what am I even accomplishing, anyway? Where is this going, long term? Does it even matter?’
I don’t know. I need to get my head together; figure out or reaffirm my priorities, and get back into some sort of routine. I don’t like feeling so completely at ends and discombobulated.
Anyway, that’s all for now I guess. Sleep is needed.
Be safe, happy and well, everyone. Take care.