Crisis of Confidence

The title about sums it up.  Today I’m having a crisis of confidence.  Or maybe a crisis of competence?  It seems like I’m running behind on everything, and I’m having serious doubts about my competency as a writer: specifically if I really have any sort of serious chance at turning my writing into a full time occupation.  (That went from pretty hopeful to pretty much no over the course of the day.)

It hasn’t helped that there was a big pressure shift (or something) and I’ve been off kilter all day.  I was getting dizzy spells while sitting still this morning, nearly tripped a few dozen times, and lost my balance while standing still a couple times while helping people around the office.  Fortunately, discombobulated though I am, I don’t have a massive headache to go with it so I have actually been ale to tough through it and be somewhat productive today.  Still, if I weren’t behind on my deadlines, I would’ve been seriously tempted to go home at lunch.  (11:30 seems to have been the worst point.)  Fortunately I car pool: I wouldn’t want to be behind the wheel right now.

I haven’t quite had the focus to write on my breaks, which is bad: I’m only halfway through tomorrow’s chapter, at the moment, and tonight is my date night with my wife.  I don’t think I’ll be pre-posting that chapter after all. :/  Still, it should go up on the appropriate day as long as I can focus at all tomorrow.

Instead of writing, I’ve been obsessing about what I could possibly do to improve my writing career.  If I should start an eBook only series (but I really don’t want to put things behind a pay wall, and I really like reader feedback and edits while I’m working) or offer better Patreon milestones and rewards, or find places I can submit the series for reviews, or what.

I couldn’t really come up with any good ideas.  I thought about setting a daily word goal tied to my Patreon donations, but with days like this I don’t know that it would be feasible.  I’m also already shooting for 3 chapters a week (6-9k words, or 1,200-1,800 words per day), and trying to add more on top of that would burn me out fast while I’m on overtime.  I think?  As it goes now, a ‘bad’ day is a few hundred words, and a ‘good’ day can hit 3-5k.  Most of that depends on how much sleep I’ve gotten, if I have a migraine, if I have other commitments, and if I’ve been distracted with a new book or game.

Blargh.  I guess I’m just too worn out today to try getting excited about my prospects without some negativity making it backfire.  Hopefully I’ll be in better shape tomorrow.

Thanks for listening,

Today, in the life of Eren...

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