…is going to be an ongoing process. Yesterday I came out as trans to my manager. I’m officially no longer pretending to be cis in the office, though I’m not going to suddenly start wearing dresses… Well at least not until I’ve gotten the legal gender flag change. Is it stupid that of all the things I could be anxious about in regards to that, the one thing that has me really freaked is how much more awkward it is going to be to go use the restroom? Blegh.
Anyway, this decision was motivated by the fact that I finally got my ears pierced this weekend. So far no one in the office has commented on the sparkly pink hearts I’m now wearing, and I can’t shake the (at least mildly paranoid) feeling that those I have not explicitly come out to must think I’m terribly strange. I’m 33 years old and going through the process of defining myself ad my style that most women go through as teenagers (which my wife and her boyfriend love to tease me about — kindly — by the way).
What’s really sinking in for me now, though, is that there is no saying ‘hey, I’m out!’ Right now, I have to deal with coming out because I’m changing how I present myself. But even when I’ve gotten all of the legalities squared away and I’m presenting as female 24×7, I’ll still have to deal with ‘coming out’ as trans to people who mistake me for a genetically cis woman, or deal with the thought that I’m somehow subtly misleading them about who I am and what my background of experiences really is. Having been driven sick of that sort of guilt for my entire life to date (only coming from the other side: feeling like I’ve been misleading people by letting them assume I was a cis man) it’s a really sucktastic catch twenty two.
Unfortunately, I really doubt I’ll be able to legally specify my gender as MtF anytime soon… And even if that ever happens, I’m still going to have to deal with ‘coming out’ over and over, the rest of my life.
I’m sure this isn’t some sort of big revelation. In fact, I’ve been aware of it for a while — its a big part of why I specified that I was trans in my author’s bio. But it really does seem to have been sinking in more these past few weeks, probably since I’m doing more things that are physically visible manifestations of my transition.
Anyway, that’s what has been on my mind lately. Thanks for listening.