I’m seriously nervous…

…but I don’t think I’d describe myself as anxious.  That’s a distinction I feel like I should examine closer at some point.

Anyway, today I’m supposed to have dinner with my folks.  It will be the first time I’ve seen them in years, as well as the first time they’ve seen me since I came out about being trans.  So, yeah: I’m pretty nervous, bordering on scared.  I know they were supportive over the phone.  I know that how I’m feeling right now isn’t really rational… It’s more like a throwback to when I was a kid and terrified of the reactions of people if they ever ‘realized what a freak I am.’  It’s still how I feel, and my stomach has been doing flips over it since yesterday.

At one point I was even debating if I should dress up as myself, or just leave on my work ‘uniform’ (the men’s clothes I wear at work since I’m not out to the entire office yet).  I know not changing after work would be a mistake, but…  I guess I may never really get over the fear of the pain of failing someone’s expectations.  (I’ve already told off the fear of failing people’s expectations, though.  That ship sailed so long ago it’s lapped the globe a few times by now.)

Anyway, I just thought I’d go for the catharsis of expressing that to see if it would help me get through my day.  Thanks for listening.

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