Kind of down…

…and having trouble sleeping, so I thought I’d try to journal it out.  Mostly I think I’m overwhelmed and burnt out from it.  Last week was insanely difficult — dealing with my grandma in law (who had become petulant, entitled, and snappish) was difficult.  Trying to support my wife and mother in law while they dealt with her was emotionally exhausting.  I think I’m dealing with the road trip equivalent of jet lag, and as of Thursday I haven’t been able to get to sleep before midnight, even when I’ve gotten in bed on time.

I’m tired.  The news is depressing, and the way I see people reacting to it has been even more so.  Beyond that?  My personal life seems to be crumbling, to.  All the progress I’d made toward getting a handle on my time management, building some good habits and keeping myself motivated was just kicked over by last week.  Worse, to pay for my participation in that week I’ve pretty much killed my transition account and all the overtime I’d worked so far this year.  (My poor mother in law was hit worse, financially.  Apparently, when grandma had told my wife she’d pay her way if she came along to drive, grandma meant she’d do it by fleecing everyone else who came along.)  Money… Well, money is money.  It only matters to the extent that it’s needed for the bills, providing a certain standard of living, and covering other needs.  Perhaps it’s weird, but I’ve always worried about and felt time scarcity more than financial scarcity — and that’s what bothers me now, I think.  All those weekends that I thought I was spending building the funds I’d need to further my transition?  Pffft.  Gone.  My timeline for it?  Postponed indefinitely.  I’m literally back to 0$ in that fund, and I need to take care of my wife’s healthcare and rebuild our emergency savings before I can even start channeling some of my income back into transition.  I know — I know! — transitioning is important to my long term well being.  But right now my wife’s health needs are much more urgent, and we have no safety net if something unexpected comes up.

Which, honestly, is a little upsetting because what little safety net we had wasn’t enough to cover last week’sBS, so now I feel like I was being naieve and selfish to have started that fund to begin with.  At least the car is paid off now, so maybe that will be rebuilt faster than I’m currently conceiving.

That’s kind of the problem, though, re: kind of down.  Right now I’m having trouble seeing things getting better.  I know that on a certain level I should be grateful that I have a decent job and that overtime is available — and on that level, I am.  But over that: smothering it, is the feeling that I’ll never be able to stop.  I went from 5  to 10 hours of overtime in the last month.  I no longer have scheduled days off, and I very nearly went in to work the last holiday  weekend.  And I feel guilty because I know there are people who have it worse, who put in more time for less pay, who don’t have jobs or homes or medical care; who are denied the many privelages I’ve had working for me throughout my life.

So, I feel shitty about it.  But also: I’m just so damn tired, and it feels like it’s for nothing because none of it went toward what I intended it to, and it feels like that’s never going to change and I’m always going too have more work than time and neither the time nor  income to take care of everything and everyone I have to, regardless of what I’m trying to put into it.

That fatalism is dangerous.  It frightens me when I catch myself at it.  It’s the mentality I recognize as depressed, and I don’t want to be there again.  But the past few days have been pretty bad for that.  When I’m trying to get motivated to do something — or even just to pick out something to do — I just wind up sitting there for half an hour feeling like all of my options are pointless.

I’m nowhere near as depressed as I’ve been in the past, though, and I do recognize the signs.  I hope that will be enough for me to shake it, or at least to cope with it until I can.  I suspect there will be coping to be done before its shaken: I’m supposed to go to a wedding in a couple of weeks, which will involve more travel, more expenses, and the PTO I’m working this weekend to make up for (instead of spending it on the last two days of last week).  Of course, I’d intended for that time to be my ‘sick day reserve,’ so I’ll just have to not get sick for another few pay periods, and reschedule my dental screening and postpone my next round of blood work and the new glasses I’ve needed for a couple years now.

Maybe I can find an eye doctor who’s open during the weekend at a time I’m not working for PTO — but I’d still have to delay since I just can’t afford it right now.

I dislike worrying about money.  I dislike not having the time I need to be confident that I can take care of my responsibilities and pursue my interests, such as writing.  I’m back to only writing on my breaks at work.  I’m too burned out and unmotivated once I get home, or I have been these past few days.

Would you believe that just a couple weeks ago I was considering the merits of launching Book 2 of Et Alia, and recording a chapter a week of Midnight Moonlight to post on podioooks?  I was writing anywhere from 1500 to 3500 words a day, making time to write at home, and sufficiently caught up with my self-assigned chores that I was in ‘maintenance mode’ for most of them, and was almost up to the point of having time I could justify as ‘free’ in the evenings.

And now?  This is where I am, instead.  Just wishing I could fall asleep and bitching about it to the world. Everything up to halfway through chapter 9 in MM4 was written then; all I’ve done since Tuesday of last week has been editing rough drafts that I hadn’t scheduled yet.  And I can’t even decide on something to do when I’m not doing anything, because whenever I try I find myself just wanting to sleep until the need to make a decision has gone away because its time for the next round of labor to begin.

And jeeze: I’m a whiney bitch. Sorry.  I hope you’re feeling better than I am and that this hasn’t been too much of a downer.  In any case, take care.  I’m going to try to get to sleep again, or rework the budget or something.


–Eren Reverie

Today, in the life of Eren...

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