Dissonance Sucks.

Hi!  Eren here.  So, yeah, I haven’t journaled in ages.  I don’t even really have anything to say…  I just want to share something, but I don’t feel like working on Midnight Moonlight at the moment.

I guess I’m feeling a little down.  I had today off to go to the doctor’s office, and that all went fine.  I was feeling pretty good earlier.  -ish.  I’ve been a little unmotivated, but that seems to be an everyday thing.  I do sometimes think that I used to be so driven by my anxiety that I never really developed the skills to drive myself forward without it.

I think what has me in the biggest funk is my most recent review — and don’t get me wrong, it was a good review and I should be psyched!  But it was another one that criticized the sexual content in Midnight Moonlight and, well, I guess I’m starting to get a bit self conscious about that, haha.

Really, that shouldn’t bother me as much as it does.  When I started writing MM, I had some serious hangups about putting out anything with that kind of content — which is why, I think, it’s a bit more heavily stressed in the first book.  I was trying to prove to myself, as much as anything, that I wasn’t going to let my anxiety, shyness, and general sense of mortification dictate what I put down in my stories, heh.

I wonder if maybe I crave approval a bit more than is really healthy, still?

Anyway, I know it was a good review.  I’m glad I got it.  It does make me sort of want to start another story, on the side, that might have more appeal by forgoing so much explicitness.  And I guess my feeling down is because of dissonance over that:  I want to eliminate the aspect that people have complained about the most, but at the same time I want to be the kind of person that is self-confident enough to stand by her writing and not be bothered by minor criticisms.

I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to adapt to what I thought people expected to see from me.  I mean…  I didn’t even come out about being transgender until after college, when my wife confronted me about why I was so depressed all the time.

#sigh

It’s still a pretty ingrained response.  I want to make everyone happy.  I know that’s not actually possible — but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to try to do it.  Blegh.  I really dislike it when my lack of confidence is so obvious.  I also want to keep Midnight Moonlight going like it is: the reviews are good, the people who comment seem to enjoy it…  I feel pretty stupid going in circles like this on myself.

Maybe it’s because my anxiety meds were taken a bit late today, on account of the doctor’s visit.  I don’t know.

Anyway, if anyone has read this far: thanks for letting me vent a little.  Sorry to have… I don’t know… posted this where you’d end up wading through it, heh.

Thanks,

–Eren Reverie

Author's Ramblings

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