Hi! Eren here. So, yeah, I haven’t journaled in ages. I don’t even really have anything to say… I just want to share something, but I don’t feel like working on Midnight Moonlight at the moment.
I guess I’m feeling a little down. I had today off to go to the doctor’s office, and that all went fine. I was feeling pretty good earlier. -ish. I’ve been a little unmotivated, but that seems to be an everyday thing. I do sometimes think that I used to be so driven by my anxiety that I never really developed the skills to drive myself forward without it.
I think what has me in the biggest funk is my most recent review — and don’t get me wrong, it was a good review and I should be psyched! But it was another one that criticized the sexual content in Midnight Moonlight and, well, I guess I’m starting to get a bit self conscious about that, haha.
Really, that shouldn’t bother me as much as it does. When I started writing MM, I had some serious hangups about putting out anything with that kind of content — which is why, I think, it’s a bit more heavily stressed in the first book. I was trying to prove to myself, as much as anything, that I wasn’t going to let my anxiety, shyness, and general sense of mortification dictate what I put down in my stories, heh.
I wonder if maybe I crave approval a bit more than is really healthy, still?
Anyway, I know it was a good review. I’m glad I got it. It does make me sort of want to start another story, on the side, that might have more appeal by forgoing so much explicitness. And I guess my feeling down is because of dissonance over that: I want to eliminate the aspect that people have complained about the most, but at the same time I want to be the kind of person that is self-confident enough to stand by her writing and not be bothered by minor criticisms.
I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to adapt to what I thought people expected to see from me. I mean… I didn’t even come out about being transgender until after college, when my wife confronted me about why I was so depressed all the time.
It’s still a pretty ingrained response. I want to make everyone happy. I know that’s not actually possible — but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to try to do it. Blegh. I really dislike it when my lack of confidence is so obvious. I also want to keep Midnight Moonlight going like it is: the reviews are good, the people who comment seem to enjoy it… I feel pretty stupid going in circles like this on myself.
Maybe it’s because my anxiety meds were taken a bit late today, on account of the doctor’s visit. I don’t know.
Anyway, if anyone has read this far: thanks for letting me vent a little. Sorry to have… I don’t know… posted this where you’d end up wading through it, heh.